as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
