I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
