i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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