I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
