I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
