The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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