I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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