your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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