there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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