She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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