Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
