Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
