i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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