And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
