She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
