are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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