tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
