when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
