I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
