I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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