The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
