Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
