Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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