i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
