the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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