Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
