I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
