Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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