I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
