There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
time to smoke my breakfast
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
