the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
