I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
