I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just blew my weed a kiss
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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