You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
