I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
