My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
