Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
