dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
