i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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