Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
