Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
