There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
