I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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