So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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