And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
