Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
