Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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