Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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