You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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