Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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