i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
