All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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