.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
