I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
