So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
