This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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