My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
