Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
