i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
