The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
